I'm going to be really honest here and say that I don't really know what it means to love God, truly I don't. I have read about people who have loved God and who have said things and behaved in ways that testify to their level of commitment and love, but this fails to resonate with me to the point where I am called to action. I know that in the Bible it talks a lot about characteristics of someone who loves God. These being someone who loves his law, is obedient, who loves what God loves, who shares in His joys and His sadness, who loses everything for the sake of His name, purpose, and meaning. And again, I can't say that I've ever really loved his law and commands. Honestly, they kind of suck in that inconvenient, all hassle-no reward kind of way. You feel mechanical instead of passionate; legalistic instead of free; inconvenienced instead of opportunistic. Yet, even in this bewildered, unknown state, I know that I have a great respect and sense of fear towards God. It's ingrained in me; I cannot separate myself from Him.
In recent events, God really tested me and didn't put to rest something he really wanted me to hear and know and understand and feel, so much to the point of it affecting not just me but crucial innocent bystanders. And in these moments I was severely humbled and I feel oddly grateful that God spoke to me so directly; his voice and intentions could not have been clearer. I've never really had a moment like that in recent past where God has been so adamantly clear about something. I want so much to remember the initial prompting and what that felt like and how that unfolded into this personalized direct hit so I don't miss it in the future.
So after much prayer and seeking forgiveness and putting aside my selfishness for God's interest instead of my own, grace really unfolded and spread itself thick where it wasn't expected. And I can't credit anything else except the Holy Spirit who really spoke truth into my life while using again, unexpected characters around me. I feel a great peace doing the right thing, doing what I know is in God's best interest. And whether or not I "love" Him more or not after this, I can't really say, I don't feel any different in the love department. But what I do know is that the joy and peace I feel as a result of being obedient is a good start to understanding what the love is all about. It's something that I feel is not just a one time thing but is setting the stage for a heavy transition. This is where I'm headed; this is where I'm going; and it feels really good and humbling and terrifying and difficult but I don't want to turn back. It's not worth it and I can only hope and pray that I continue to seek His interests above anyone else, even those closest to me, because in the end, they're not the ones judging me, He is.