Words_Ack! Why I Suck at Being a Bride

Last night I had my first wedding dream. Except that it wasn't a dream, it was a nightmare. My reception was in my high school's cafeteria; every table full with hundreds of people. It was completely quiet and I was in a panic, realizing Robbe and I had forgotten to put the music list together. I quickly hooked up his iPod and put it on "shuffle" and delegated the rest of its fate to a bridesmaid. During the reception, I was still assembling ideas and decorations for our photo booth background and laying out the logistics of how I was going to get it done in my head. I remember telling myself that it was going to be OK. Even in my dreams I'm stupid.

Obviously, this illusion is a painful revelation of my current mental state. I'm in a bit of a panic planning one of the biggest moments that will happen in my life. I keep waiting for the moment when I'm supposed to feel what I think all brides are supposed to feel... that euphoric seamless happiness that makes wedding planning so wonderful and easy. However, I've come to the very sobering reality that I actually suck at all of this. I suck at being euphoric and happy. I suck at decision-making and figuring out the logistics of one day. I suck at being thankful for the monetary resources I have; instead I cringe at the unreal amount of money that is being spent on a five-hour day. I suck at delegating and compromise. I suck at simply enjoying even the simplest things. Everything is a weight. The things that are supposed to be fun aren't fun because it requires me to make an absolute decision that can't be solved by just looking at a magazine. For me, it's a creative process that can't be forced and I've never had to make so many huge detailed decisions that inevitably intertwine with each other all at once. I hate that I'm so overly thoughtful about it yet how can I not be?

I burn with jealousy at fellow brides who, when asked how wedding planning is going, they emanate this ethereal drunken glow and cheerfully reflect on how wonderful the process is going. Their impassioned excitement is like a thousand knives piercing my face which is in an unfortunate frozen squint of a fake smile, wishing with all my heart that I could "put them in a headlock with my eyes" (credit: Mandy). Why is it effortless for some people and for others it's more of a burden? Am I not cut out for planning something of my own on such a large scale? Am I a controlling ungrateful bridezilla? Should the solution be that I just be drunk from here on out? I feel like I'm missing everything wonderful about planning a wedding. Or is everything wonderful really a hoax? Am I just being a realist? 

I know this wedding isn't about the theme or the food or the favors or the dresses; I know it's about me and Robbe and the life we're going to share together for the rest of our lives. I hate that I get caught up in the stress of it all but it seems unavoidable. I wish I could enjoy this time instead of responding with "This is so dumb" whenever I finalize another wedding decision. Even as I'm writing this, I'm rolling my eyes at how sad and ridiculous this post is; it's an entire page devoted to me whining about an amazing day devoted to me and my future husband. Someone please put me in a headlock, STAT. Until then, my mind will be set on this...

Photos_2012

Friends

plus fireworks

 

equals a Happy 2012.

Words_2012

Aye, 2012 be around thee corner. (Pirate talk intros... are they ever cool?)

Back in the olden days, my dear friend Ashleigh and I would rendezvous at Barnes and Noble (there's no "s" on "Noble" people) days before the new year and write out our wishful resolutions on tiny pieces of paper. That piece of paper would get folded neatly in my wallet and sadly become long forgotten until I emptied my purse looking for a Starbucks gift card with .80 cents left on it.

In the last few years, I've resorted to blogging about my hopes for the pending year but haven't held myself to anything terribly specific. Today, as I was thinking about all the millions of things I have to do, I built myself a tidy list of fairly actionable goals/thoughts to look forward to as 2012 lingers around the corner.

Here is what I jotted down:

• Financial Peace University - Dave Ramsey is a financial consultant, author and well known radio personality. He experienced bankruptcy and financial debt at a young age due to the mishandling of his money but rebuilt his business and life to enormous success based on a rigid financial plan. Robbe and I are planning to go through the program next month which is taught at various churches across the country to learn how to manage and save money and kick the debt in our lives, especially as we're about to join forces. You can learn more about the 13-week course here.
• Wedding-a-Week Countdown - There are 22 weeks left before I get married and there is still a lot to be done. I'm hoping that I'm able to commit myself to nailing down the remaining details, delegated in detail within those 22 weeks, so that when June 2 comes, I'm not bald and look like an aged turtle from stress. 
• The Urge to Purge - I love getting rid of stuff. The fewer things I have, the better! I've lived at my current place for almost three years and for those almost three years, my stuff has been accumulating in our garage. I'm hoping to karate chop it or move it with me but the thought of going through everything is a little daunting. Target date: Spring when it's warmer to sift through everything.
• Question a Day Book - My friend Mandy gave me a book for my 30th birthday where you answer a different question everyday. It chronicles your answers for five years so you answer the same question that you did the year before on that particular day. The book is around $17 or you can download the app as well. More info here.
• To babysit or not to babysit, that is the question- I have six nieces and nephews and I always have a blast with them when I babysit. Usually our time spent together consists of dance parties, lots of hide-and-go-seek, charades, and watching TV. I'd like to make my time more meaningful with them like teaching them a craft or even, dare I say it, something educational--but fun! Of course. I know this runs this risk of toppling my "cool" status but in the end, I know it'd be worth it. Now I just need to figure out how to make uncool stuff cool. Hm...
• Shut Up! Time - Our culture is so incredibly noisy. I don't know how to be still anymore. Even being still is distracting sometimes. I'd like to attempt to be alone, perhaps read a book or a magazine or the newspaper or just be completely quiet without feeling guilty or thinking I'm being wasteful with my time. 

My turn is up. You?

Words_2011

Well, 2011, it's been quite a year. You delivered:

• an earthquake
• a hurricane
• the season finale of FNL
• one of my best friend's weddings
• a 30th birthdaycation (during said earthquake and hurricane)
• the O's ousting the Red Sox from the playoffs
• an always memorable trip to NYC
• Bon Iver, Jay-Z and Kanye in concerto
• the Ravens beating the Steelers not once but twice
• me nearly losing my mind at work
• the amazing Breaking Bad series

This time last year I was location-shopping for wedding venues. Presently, I've nailed down the who, what, where, and why but still need to make decisions about: wear, how, and how, wear. 

The concept of marriage is still sinking in. I'm not sure how long it takes to really settle into your psyche but I can only imagine it's in a moment of realistic disenchantment when you realize that the person you love farts unintentionally on you while sleeping (and vice versa) or snores so loudly it deprives you of sleep (purely hypothetical, I promise I'm not implicating Robbe). And the unintentional (or maybe intentional) farting and snoring is well, forever. Forrreverrrrrrrrrr (source: Sandlot). It's a daunting feeling when I really think about marriage as an isolated concept without the emotional attachment of a spouse. It changes every single thing about your life and you have to learn to function as a unit instead of independently whether you like it or not. Sure you can still be independent, but for the most part, you are half of a greater whole. It's an amazing responsibility and I'm not sure people realize what a deep commitment it is to say to someone, no matter what happens, I'm still going to stand by you and love you even after the honeymoon phase is over and we're poor and tired and fat and balding and the cute jokes that once worked don't work anymore. And then throw kids into the picture? Commitment just got real. I'm not trying to depress the idea of marriage. Again, the idea of marriage void of Robbe is overwhelming to me. But the idea of marriage with Robbe is exciting and humbling; a little overwhelming but manageable because I have my best friend and love at my side. 

Halfway into 2012, I'll become Mrs. Reddinger. I think I've had a pretty good run as Kimi Raspa. I've done mostly average things but not short of a few exciting things sprinkled here and there. I think one of the things I've cherished in all of this time is the friendships I've made and the depth they've yielded throughout the last 10-15 years. I look forward to all the friendships Robbe and I will forge together in the next few months of life, mixing old with the new. 

Happy early 2012 and Auld Lang Syne. 

Words_Channeling Jo March

I just read today that Louisa May Alcott didn't write Little Women until she was 35. I also read that you can visit and tour her Orchard House in Concord, Massachusetts. I also read that you can have a Little Women birthday party.

I die.

Words_What the What?

I found out as recently as a few days ago that this entire time I've known Robbe, his name "Robbe" is meant to be pronounced: Rob-ee. I've been spelling it with a 'y' this entire time to reference "Robbey." Seven years, people. Just finding that out now. Maybe it's an obvious assumption; maybe it's not.
And who could forget how I mispronounced his last name for a good year or so when I first started dating him. But I feel that may pale in comparison to this misstep. So to sum up, we're engaged and I'm planning on taking on an entirely new name that I just learned how to pronounce. I'm beginning to think I'm actually a mail-order bride.

Words_Fall Week

This week:

I've been officially Google Voiced (saved $18 on my plan so far).

Over dinner, Robbey asked me: "When do I start referring to you as a 'woman'?"

I watched Up All Night with Christine Applegate and Will Arnett and loved it! How do I get them to be my best friends?

I poured through some old blog entries from Xanga and hold everyone who read and encouraged my "humorous writing" entirely responsible for all my shameful, unfunny, ridiculous ghettospeak nonsense. I better not look back on these Blogger posts and retreat into a humiliating hole in the ground either, folks.

So grateful for the weekend and a Saturday to sleep in.

Happy Fall, ya'll.