Thursday, October 7, 2010

Words_The Life and Times of Lappy T

My laptop is officially on its way out. The doctor told me it's got a good month to live. I asked my laptop what it wanted to do before its time is up. It said it wanted to see the world. So I googled a map of the world and asked it if it could see it.
"How the heck can I see it?" Laptop said. "It's like me asking you to look at your face without a mirror!"
I never knew my laptop was so rude. I was only trying to help. Then I had an amazing idea. I decided I would book a flight for California, then China, then India, then the United Kingdom, Italy and then back home so I could make Laptop's wishes come true. I told Laptop about this and he was super excited. I decided to raise some money for this great endeavor by going door to door and asking for donations for my dying Laptop. I made a donation can that said: "My dear friend Lappy T. is dying so please help Lappy's Dreams Come True Before It's too Late Okay." The whole sentence didn't fit on the can so I had to write some of it on my neck but I wrote it myself without a mirror so I'm not sure what it ended up saying but it seemed to work because people gave me a lot of coins and stuff and some paperclips. Then I used Laptop to look up all of these flights on the Internet.
"Why are you making that face?" Laptop asked.
"Uh...what face?" I asked.
"You're obviously concerned about something," Laptop said.
"No I'm not." I retorted defensively.
"Uh, yes you are," Laptop said. "You're sweating and scratching your face, which is what you always do when you're nervous. What's wrong?"
I pulled my hands away from my face sheepishly and folded them in my lap. My face had begun to sting.
"Oh, well, I was just looking at the flight info," I said.
"Yeah, and?" Laptop said. "What's wrong, what's going on? We're still going right?"
"Oh...yeah, well, I don't know, maybe....?" I trailed.
"What do you mean maybe." Laptop's voice was gruff.
"Well..." I darted my eyes. "Um, it's kind of out of my price range."
"Well, how much is it?" L asked.
"It says for everything it would be $3,938."
"I thought you said you raised a lot of money!" Laptop yelled.
"I did!" I yelled back. "But not this much!"
"Well, how much did you raise, you never told me the exact number," Laptop asked.
"Oh, like a lot." I nodded my head reassuringly. "Like....lots."
"Just tell me how much!" Laptop growled.
" much as the plane ticket costs but minus like a lot of it."
"Wow, this is incredible," L said. "I can't believe I let you touch my keys anytime you wanted to all of these years. You used me over and over for hours, til 2 in the morning sometimes and then give me maybe a 3 hour break and then use me again and pass me around to all of your friends without a 'hello' or 'hey Lappy, thanks for your convenience and speediness and awesomeness.' No, nothing. And now I'm dying and all I want is to travel and all you can offer me is probably a cheap ride at a circus. No thanks. I'm done with this. I'm done with you."
There was silence between us for a moment and then my heart pounded as I began to understand the depth of his words and the meaning behind them. I smiled from ear to ear knowing what I had to do now. It was rally time.
"What." L grunted. "What are you so happy about."
"I'm solving this mess." I said enthusiastically. "I mean, it's been solved. Call me detective make your dreams come true because there's been a change of plans!"
"That's the worst detective name I've heard," L muttered. "So what's this change." L seemed unconvinced but slightly hopeful. The bait was dangling. And he bit. "What. What is it."
I looked at him with charming suspense.
"Screw the google trip around the world!" I said valiantly. "I know a Laptop's cry for help when I hear one and so...we're going to the circus!"
The next day I found Lappy smashed into pieces in my driveway. The nice policeman said it appeared he must have been propped near my window and knocked out by accident which is weird because it's cold outside and I never have my windows open. I wasn't sure what to do with all of my coins and paperclips I collected in Lappy's donation can but then I decided to do what Lappy would have wanted me to do. I donated them to the circus. I'll miss Laps and his crazy keys.

I promise I was not the least bit intoxicated when I wrote this brilliant piece of work.* Please like me still.



Dan Catinella said... can't make a donation? The whole time I was reading this waiting for the part where I could happily click on your paypal link to help make Lappy's heart's desire come true and win some tshirt or button or something and then it just ENDS like that?! Suicide makes for a very poor bedtime story. I might even have nightmares.

Robbe Reddinger said...

and. this. is. why. i and love and you. (and yes within the first two sentences i assumed you had 1 1/2 glasses of sangria).

Sydney McFearless said...

hahahahahahaha!!!!!!! my lappy 486 recently bit the dust. i am still pulling the stuffing out of him to put it in my new lappy, macbook. i don't even have to name this one, it's so cool.

but if he's so cool, why do i have to take the insides of the old computer to put it in the new one??

because i made those stuffings. therefore, i am what makes my laptop cool. geddit? i hope you've seen the strongbad email wherein he gets a new laptop, and the couple prior where he loses his current compy.

youthguy72 said...


Katie said...

the reason we are friends = you are weird (and you like sangrias apparently) in a creative kind of way that makes me laugh every time. every. time.

Meagan said...

this is grand. love!

Diane. said...

i hope my computer didn't read this, seriously, don't want it to get any "ideas" from the life and death (RIP) of L.T.