Monday, January 16, 2012

Words_Ack! Why I Suck at Being a Bride



Last night I had my first wedding dream. Except that it wasn't a dream, it was a nightmare. My reception was in my high school's cafeteria; every table full with hundreds of people. It was completely quiet and I was in a panic, realizing Robbe and I had forgotten to put the music list together. I quickly hooked up his iPod and put it on "shuffle" and delegated the rest of its fate to a bridesmaid. During the reception, I was still assembling ideas and decorations for our photo booth background and laying out the logistics of how I was going to get it done in my head. I remember telling myself that it was going to be OK. Even in my dreams I'm stupid.

Obviously, this illusion is a painful revelation of my current mental state. I'm in a bit of a panic planning one of the biggest moments that will happen in my life. I keep waiting for the moment when I'm supposed to feel what I think all brides are supposed to feel... that euphoric seamless happiness that makes wedding planning so wonderful and easy. However, I've come to the very sobering reality that I actually suck at all of this. I suck at being euphoric and happy. I suck at decision-making and figuring out the logistics of one day. I suck at being thankful for the monetary resources I have; instead I cringe at the unreal amount of money that is being spent on a five-hour day. I suck at delegating and compromise. I suck at simply enjoying even the simplest things. Everything is a weight. The things that are supposed to be fun aren't fun because it requires me to make an absolute decision that can't be solved by just looking at a magazine. For me, it's a creative process that can't be forced and I've never had to make so many huge detailed decisions that inevitably intertwine with each other all at once. I hate that I'm so overly thoughtful about it yet how can I not be?

I burn with jealousy at fellow brides who, when asked how wedding planning is going, they emanate this ethereal drunken glow and cheerfully reflect on how wonderful the process is going. Their impassioned excitement is like a thousand knives piercing my face which is in an unfortunate frozen squint of a fake smile, wishing with all my heart that I could "put them in a headlock with my eyes" (credit: Mandy). Why is it effortless for some people and for others it's more of a burden? Am I not cut out for planning something of my own on such a large scale? Am I a controlling ungrateful bridezilla? Should the solution be that I just be drunk from here on out? I feel like I'm missing everything wonderful about planning a wedding. Or is everything wonderful really a hoax? Am I just being a realist? 

I know this wedding isn't about the theme or the food or the favors or the dresses; I know it's about me and Robbe and the life we're going to share together for the rest of our lives. I hate that I get caught up in the stress of it all but it seems unavoidable. I wish I could enjoy this time instead of responding with "This is so dumb" whenever I finalize another wedding decision. Even as I'm writing this, I'm rolling my eyes at how sad and ridiculous this post is; it's an entire page devoted to me whining about an amazing day devoted to me and my future husband. Someone please put me in a headlock, STAT. Until then, my mind will be set on this...


6 comments:

carandavis said...

Kimi, you do not suck - especially since you have the guts to share what so many brides feel. it is stressful because it's so important to you. and it should be. I have no doubt it's going to be amazing and I only wish I could be there to see it!

Kimi said...

Aw, thanks Cara!!!! <3 <3 <3

kimfam said...

hi kimi, this is eunice39 from xanga!! i was going through my old xangas and remebmered how awesome you were and found you via google :) congrats on your wedding! soo cute. btw, i thought wedding planning was the most horrific experience of my life and i'm insanely jealous of all the women who spent months planning and buying their invites from etsy and scouring pinterest, etc.

misie said...

i give this entry 2 thumbs up mostly because you used TWO Cathy images - her face is priceless and probably a total mirror image of how you feel inside.

planning is a messy biznass because you're not just putting details into place - they weigh entirely on all your expectation - anyone who is not ready to pass out from that mere fact might be a robot. i think had i started my love affair with a juniper berry beverage back in 04 i would have been a hot mess instead of a skeleton.

you will make it happen - that is why you have 7 bridesmaids to hold your hand and make you laugh.

Peyton Roberts said...

I had a hard time making decisions too. I finally realized there was no perfect bouquet, no perfect menu, no perfect guest list. What made our wedding perfect was that at the end of the 5-hour day, we were married. Focus on that, and the rest is all details :) Love the honesty... that will make you a great wife... way more important than being a great bride!

Kimi said...

thanks everyone :) means a lot. Eunice!!!! What's your email???