It's the season of changes, my friends. This person's moving, that person's having a baby, she's leaving her job, we're hiring him and her, they're getting older, he's having surgery, she's going crazy, we're growing apart, you're growing closer... so many things are happening at once and in the midst of it all, sometimes I feel I'm at this perpetual standstill. My view of myself and where I'm going and what I'm doing and the decisions I have to or will have to make can be so overwhelming in the "big picture" but then so incredibly small and meaningless. Both perspectives leave me paralyzed and confined to my daily grind. If there are changes, they are slight. If there are opportunities, I tend to over-analyze; sit too long; waste time, as usual. I would like to order some balance, please. With a side of healthy assertiveness and motivation--no--active motivation! I would like to have an idea, act on that idea, struggle through the idea, and follow through with the idea. The final product doesn't have to be pretty (yes it does) or mind-numbingly original (yes, please) but something that I can hang my hat on, put on my mom's fridge, whisper about it at night to my Care bear.
I feel like everyone's racing by me at warp speed and it's all I can do to keep up. I have so many valuable resources around me but I don't use them. Why. Because I'm stubborn and love to do things my own way at my own pace and in my own timing. I can only get so far with this strategy. And it's not even a strategy. It's my "default" setting. It's time I find another setting.
So, in this time of lent, I'm not giving anything up. But I'd like to shift my focus from so much of me me me to preparing for Easter. For forty days, Jesus prayed relentlessly to his Father before his death. I can hardly pray one out of forty days. But I hope to push aside my agenda and delve into the unknowns of this great sacrifice that I'll celebrate in April but should really be celebrating all the time.