Last night I had my first wedding dream. Except that it wasn't a dream, it was a nightmare. My reception was in my high school's cafeteria; every table full with hundreds of people. It was completely quiet and I was in a panic, realizing Robbe and I had forgotten to put the music list together. I quickly hooked up his iPod and put it on "shuffle" and delegated the rest of its fate to a bridesmaid. During the reception, I was still assembling ideas and decorations for our photo booth background and laying out the logistics of how I was going to get it done in my head. I remember telling myself that it was going to be OK. Even in my dreams I'm stupid.
Obviously, this illusion is a painful revelation of my current mental state. I'm in a bit of a panic planning one of the biggest moments that will happen in my life. I keep waiting for the moment when I'm supposed to feel what I think all brides are supposed to feel... that euphoric seamless happiness that makes wedding planning so wonderful and easy. However, I've come to the very sobering reality that I actually suck at all of this. I suck at being euphoric and happy. I suck at decision-making and figuring out the logistics of one day. I suck at being thankful for the monetary resources I have; instead I cringe at the unreal amount of money that is being spent on a five-hour day. I suck at delegating and compromise. I suck at simply enjoying even the simplest things. Everything is a weight. The things that are supposed to be fun aren't fun because it requires me to make an absolute decision that can't be solved by just looking at a magazine. For me, it's a creative process that can't be forced and I've never had to make so many huge detailed decisions that inevitably intertwine with each other all at once. I hate that I'm so overly thoughtful about it yet how can I not be?
I burn with jealousy at fellow brides who, when asked how wedding planning is going, they emanate this ethereal drunken glow and cheerfully reflect on how wonderful the process is going. Their impassioned excitement is like a thousand knives piercing my face which is in an unfortunate frozen squint of a fake smile, wishing with all my heart that I could "put them in a headlock with my eyes" (credit: Mandy). Why is it effortless for some people and for others it's more of a burden? Am I not cut out for planning something of my own on such a large scale? Am I a controlling ungrateful bridezilla? Should the solution be that I just be drunk from here on out? I feel like I'm missing everything wonderful about planning a wedding. Or is everything wonderful really a hoax? Am I just being a realist?
I know this wedding isn't about the theme or the food or the favors or the dresses; I know it's about me and Robbe and the life we're going to share together for the rest of our lives. I hate that I get caught up in the stress of it all but it seems unavoidable. I wish I could enjoy this time instead of responding with "This is so dumb" whenever I finalize another wedding decision. Even as I'm writing this, I'm rolling my eyes at how sad and ridiculous this post is; it's an entire page devoted to me whining about an amazing day devoted to me and my future husband. Someone please put me in a headlock, STAT. Until then, my mind will be set on this...
